Yell till you can't breath|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
rant, rave, and have fun's LiveJournal:
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|Monday, May 30th, 2005|
I'm sorry if this makes anyone upset, but you need to learn this. It's important.
You know what pisses me off? When people abuse my things. That pisses me off. I don't like being mad at people, but when you abuse my things. I get MAD. DON'T DO IT. I don't like being mad.
Whateve. I don't really care, but if it keeps up I might just have to change some things. I'm sorry. I love you all, truly, I do. Just DONT even think for a SECOND that you can abuse my things and think that I won't notice, or care. Don't fucking do it.
When posting in a community make sure, very sure of it's rules. And remember, it's not your journal, it's a community. Remember that anyone can see it. So don't put personal affairs on it. It's a community. Just a community. Current Mood: cheerful
|Friday, May 27th, 2005|
I'm gonna appologize for my last two entries.. they were written out of hate and that's not right. I should be supporting my friend in his choice and thanking whatver higher power for the great gift of forgivness he has had betowed upon him.
He says those two have changed.... and i trust him.... i'm just nervous, jelous, and worried. I don't want his heart broken again. He's like my little brother i love him so much. Then i guess... deep down i'm jelous. Those two ARE great people. They are so beautiful, special, kind. No wonder they are well loved. My friends love them so much.... sometimes i guess i'm just afraid of being forgotten or betrayed because i'm not trustwothy enough or as good as those two. I'm also jelous because what my friends have with them is what i USED to have. And i guess it upsets me.
I'm working on alot... I'm only at the tip of the iceburg in my recovery. While apparentley they have changed completely. I have along way to go.But i'm afraid that my friends will stop being patient and realize those two are better...
I'm so sorry if all of this is annoying you. Really i am. But i have to get it out one way or another... and i thought i should be truthful and appologize today.
I still love them... all this time i've been trying to hate them and i can't....
and i'm alone
But think guys really think..... Would i have addmitted or appologized about any of this three months ago?
I'm feeling happier and healthier than i have and alone time. The more i work and my problems.... The better i will be.
I'm sorry about everything guyss..
|Thursday, May 26th, 2005|
Save me from this world.... and the demons that dwell upon it...
God!!! Why did those harpies have to come back into my life and steal another friend? I hate this.... I hate not having anyone i can trust without one of them standing behind someone i love grinning like the devil on judgement day!!! I HATE THIS!!!! Why couldn't they have just stayed away from him? We were starting to be great friends again and then those two swoop down like the vultures they are and pick at it. What suddenly compelled them to get back into his good graces? Why did they suddenly decide "Oh hey i think i wanna be his friend again!" WTF?!?!? They ahve all my other friends.... i can't stand them!!!!
I'm all alone now... they only friend i have not tied to those two is Aubry... Hell give it enough time they'll snatch her up too!!!!
I knew i was never meant to have friends... so why do i bother hanging on? Current Mood: aggravated
|Thursday, May 19th, 2005|
some more for you bitch
I know no one comes here anymore but just in case, here's something for your anger
It ain't fading
Man I gotta let it out
Am I crazy?
Screaming nothing ever comes out
I keep feeling lost
I'll never find my way out
I'm not thanking them
Unless the truth can pour out
Give me some courage
Beating me down now for some time
Are you laughing am I funny?
I hate inside,
I hate inside.
I'll take this time
To let out what’s inside
Cuz I will break
Sometimes I wish you'd die
Full of sorrow
You raped and stole my pride.
And all this hate is bottled up inside
My heart's breaking
Man you really ripped it out
You take pleasure watching as
I claw my way out
The hurt rising
Soon it's gunna to tear my soul out
It’s not kosher feeling like I’m on my way out
Feeling the haze as they cut down my spine
Pealing your flesh like the way you've cut mine
Do you feel happy, you fucked up my mind
You’re going to pay this time Current Mood: happy as a clam
|Thursday, May 5th, 2005|
Memories..What a bitch huh?
God! Why does everyone i love have to go through the fucking suicide phase? i try to help and i get fucked!!! I hate this! And i hate the people who did it to me!!!! Especially 1 certain person. I just hope she.............. Nope. I won't say it.But i can't handle it any more. Take my heart. I don't want it! It's to painful to hpld beneath my ribs.. hold it inside.
God i hate memories. Memories suck. You know those people whose mind erases bad memories for them so thye don't have to be in pain? I want that....... Stupid whore and the damn memories.... Fuck.
*goes and curls on coach with ice cream.*
I hate you.... or at least. I wish i did... wish i could.... Current Mood: aggravated
|Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005|
People! how come no one updates anymore? Well yeah. Just thought i'd ask. *nervous laugh*.... oaky bye.
|Monday, May 2nd, 2005|
to you from me
I've already posted this on my journal and stuff but I thought it was appropriate to post it here to.
You came into my life without a single thing
I gave into your ways, but you left me with nothing
I've given into smiles, I've dealt with all your games
I wish you're happy now, I had to let you win
In the sea of life, you're just a minnow
You live your life insecure
I feel the pain of your needles
As they shit into my mind
I scream without a sound
How could you take away everything that I was?
Leave me a fuckin slave
Your face that I despise
Your heart inside that's gray
I came today to say, you're fucked in every way
In the sea of life, you're just a minnow
You live your life insecure
I feel the pain of your needles
As they shit into my mind
You stole my life without a sign
You sucked me dry
AND MAYBE A WEE BIT OF THIS
I tried to let it pass, but the visions in my head
were with you, with a knife up your ass, bleeding dead
so I pop some more caps in your ass,
Now I'm not so fucking fun
Motherfucking bitch! Never try to play me...
ps Stay Sexy everyone.... Current Mood: energetic
*looks around* is it safe? Okay. Yeah i'm back again. Toguh shit for some of you losers. But for the rest. Whatever. Kinda pissed because i'm bored! i don't have school till friday! Because i missed school from being sick they put me in friday school. So now i get to be bored all week long!!!! GAH! then i'm getting really imaptient waiting for the family's new house to get built so i can have me own private room again! yay! and i can decorate it however i want.... I think i'm inviting justin, sarah, and auby over to help decorate. BUT I HAVE TO WAIT 2 MONTHS!!! I've been waiting since febuary! jeez. Let's hope it get's built an dget's built really good! ^-^
Other than that i'm kinda sad because i've bassically said "No More Friends Ever" I'm keeping the ones i have currentley. But no more. Damn it. I can't risk it again. At least not for a very long time. Well i'm out of here. Later days! Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, March 29th, 2005|
Thanks to everyone on this communitty :) It felt good to know someone cared and for you sharing with me. Thanx Mina for letting me in and all the encouragement. But due to some recent events i'm leaving LJ and this communnity. :( Well yeah thanks everyone. Love ya! Current Mood: intimidated
|Monday, March 21st, 2005|
this is all that i have to say too u u fucking slut...
your fucking dead to me
|Sunday, March 20th, 2005|
Wow...I've been in here alot. I guess i'm finishing off the last of my agressions
Just when i start to feel good...
Well I am once again an athiest. Great. Because apperantley everyone under the sun (pagan chat rooms and out) Think wiccans are horrible people. That they are snooty, Stupid, and know no true facts of their religion. And it's true! I only no the practices, spells, rules, laws of power, ways. I know none of the history how to prove or disprove it. But while i was Wicca. Inside i was the happiest i had been in years. Now i want to cry. I'm so stupid... I know nothing. Nothing of friends, Wicca, Life, Family. I know nothing *cries* i hate myself.
I wish i could find the old lady i met on the bus. The one who told me to trust in my beliefs. My heart. And never listen to the books or naysayers. She said i would know what's right. But i can't belive that right now and it hurts so much! I'm gonna go climb into bed and cry Current Mood: crushed
|Friday, March 18th, 2005|
I know this entrie will come back to haunt me....
Right now i hate them. Right now i want something terrible to happen to them. Right now i want them to feel the pain i feel. I still love them with all my heart. But just for today, just for this week, just for a little while. Let me hate them. Let me cry and scream. Let me wish ill upon them. Let me pray my hardest that they never find happiness. They don't deserve it. Not right now. Why? Because i know they have moved on without me and are much healthier and happier. I hate them for it. I'm sick and tired. Nightmares never end. I cry at the slightest mention of their names. My sister says her name or talks abotu her to me and i brake down sobbing and balling. Wanting to die more and more each day.
My longest lasting friend is still there. But she is distant and course. She's ready to leave too. And those three are doing fine without me. I hate them.I should have never introduced them. But then again they are both heartless. They deserve each other. But most of all i hate myself! I hate that i can never shut up. I hate not knowing what i did wrong. I hate not magically being able to read there minds so i will know what to say and what not to say. I hate not being perfect. I hate not being what they want me to be. I hate not being anyones friend. I hate being a toy a convieniance. "Oh i'm bored i'll call heather then toss her aside again!" You fucking bitch! Stop playing with peoples hearts like that! And the thing i hate the most! "I need a brake give me some time" Okay.. But for how long? How fucking long! If you didn't want to be friends ou should have said it right then! Right fucking then. Then i wouldn't be so upset.
and my "Agression" Where do you think it came from! From insecurities. Never knowing. And you say i'm not the girl you knew in middle school? know it's funny. I thought the same thing. When you started changing and listening to scary music. Stopped liking anime. Started getting really freaky i went "Wow this isn't the girl who i called my sister" And then the whole suicide delema pissed me off! i tried to help! I'm so sorry if i made it worse! I just get shit on... I'm useless to everyone.
Even in the third grade i was smart enough to know i would never have friends. That no matter what i would never be pretty enough or good enough. I should have just hung myslef then. There was so much rope! i could have pulled it off then! I'm such a loser! I hate myself.... i hate myself so much. This self loathing goes so deep. I now find NOTHING pretty or good about my self. Everything else you rad or see is a maks. I'm hiding. But all i see when i look into the mirror is... well nothing. There is nothign when i looked into the mirror. At first it scared me. then i was kinda relieved. I would no longer have to worry about staring at that trash bag i call a body. And i will never have to see the look of pain in my eyes or that fat whiney face ever again!
So right now. I hate you. I want the three of you to drop dead... no. You'd want that. So i hope you get kidnapped and rapped. Captive and beaten. But then even that might be to pleasurable for a tleast one of you.... I hate All of you right now... But by tommorrow. I will be crying and bawling. Hugging Neko to my chest wanting you back. Wanting the trust, the family, the love.....
But most of all over all else. Now and forever. I truly hate myslef Current Mood: enraged
|Sunday, March 13th, 2005|
Okay, yeah i'm really freaking out!
GRRRRR! I need therapy! And the fucking people still hAVN'T CALLED ME BACK! oops. Caps lock. Any way yeah i'm really fucking irratated and i want them to blow up! or for my mother to take the hint that that particular thepaist may not be good and find a diffrent one! i need to see somebody! i feel like i'm going mad. Tearing flesh from my bones screaming and people are just waltzing on by! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! But if it was a certian someone else! People would run to their side in a fucking drop of a hat! So what if they're better than me! don't i desrve to be saved! HUh! Psh. Guess not. *sigh* okay whatever. Like you all fucking care. JUST LET ME DIE! -.- Current Mood: frustrated
|Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005|
i dunno i found a comment from you in my e-mail so heres my reply
heather i hate enimies but i just cant do this anymore i'm just to stressed honestly if i could i would make up with every one of the people who arent my friends anymore but they dont want to be my friends i was pissed when i said that it is hard to forget hell i was actualy thinking of one last presnt for you my gravi cause i dont watch it and i often find myself thinking how justin and katie are so it is hard but i do it cause i have to Current Mood: i fell like i should cry
|Sunday, February 27th, 2005|
Fuck you, fuck up the ass. I freaking hate every word that comes out of your mouth. I can't stand to be around you. I just can't deal with you. anything. I just want to run away for a year, no school, no nothing, just life, just breathing. Just a time to stop and breath. God how I would kill for that. I just can't take this bullshit. *sighs* Current Mood: annoyed
|Thursday, February 24th, 2005|
I am so fucking tired of this. I want it all to stop and go away. Every last bit of it. I can't do it. I just can't. I want to die. I want everything to end. I want.....I want to be able to not want so many things. I know, I'm not making sence. I'm sorry...*sighs* I just....I just can't take it. I need pills. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pills. I want to be so drugged up I can't think. Or drunk. No. Not drunk. That would only make everyrthing worse. I want to go back. And just stay there forever. Just...lie there. Till I don't breath anymore. I don't know. I really really need to swim. Or to get into some large form of water that isn't filled to the brim with chemicals. Someone just shoot me.
I love you...I'm so sorry I am the way I am. I'd do anything just to see you smile, and really mean it.
...why can't I just say this to you? why?......*sighs*"I'd do anything
just to hold you in my arms
try to make you laugh
somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
just to fall asleep with you
would you remember me
cuz I know I won't forget you
I close my eyes
and all I see is you.
I close my eyes
I try to sleep I can't forget you.
And i'd do anything for you" Current Mood: sad, not depressed, just..sad.
|Sunday, February 20th, 2005|
Another night of pain
I'm sick (litterally cough medicine is evil!!!) sad, upset, tired and... Yet my mask is working so well latley i've begun to fool myself. For a minute. I truly thought i was happy. Current Mood: creative
|Saturday, February 19th, 2005|
"Dead girls Dance they Burn and twirl"- JOJ
This is Fool_of_a_moon i have a new name so smae person ranting here okay?
I hate them... i hate the way they blame me... even if it is true. Then they drag all my other friends with them. They havn't even hear my defence. What i have to say. They won't stop till i am a heartless empty shell. Maybe it's too late. I think i already am. I want to die. SOMEONE HELP ME PULL THE FUCKING TRIGER!!!!! *ragged scream* Current Mood: infuriated
|Tuesday, February 15th, 2005|
JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF U WHORE!!!! JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME AND HER AND US ALONE NO ONE WANTS U AROUND GET THE FUCKING POINT!!!! JUST FUCKING KILL YOUSELF AND LET US FUCKING BE HAPPY
|Monday, February 14th, 2005|
I knew it. I knew today would end up like this. Not a single Valintine. Love is alot like food. it feels good when ingested but they both come out shit. Uttter shit. i hate this day. i hate not having a BF/GF. and recentley having lost friends. And left with very few. Too old to snuggle with mom for comfort. Don't have a lover to make me feel better. And i have net to zero friends who i see regularly... I hate it. and i hate everything around me right now. Including myself. So Cheers. Cheers to another year of misery and tears. Happy fucking Valintines day. Current Mood: cynical